In the presence of the beautiful days, the bursting of blossoms and the echoing strands of alleluias, there has been an equal measure of sadness meeting me. It's not that anything particularly "new" has happened to wound my soul. But there have been repeated and often overwhelming waves of pain and sorrow that have washed over me...and I have chosen to face them. Rather than run down the beach to a safer, calmer psychological or emotional space, I have walked towards them.
And as I walked towards them I could see within those waves memories of many of my deepest wounds, my battered dreams, and my open sorrows. I took the time to look into them, to pray with them, and to simply let them be there with me.
It wasn't "fun". And in the midst of all of that I wasn't particularly wonderful company...but since I had relatively few social commitments this week I was afforded the freedom to simply be there in the waves.
I was awakened this morning by the predawn sky...and I settled into the scripture lesson for today (ELCA Daily Reading).
Luke 24:36-40
While they were talking about this, Jesus himself stood among them and said to them, "Peace be with you." They were startled and terrified, and thought that they were seeing a ghost. He said to them, "Why are you frightened, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? Look at my hands and my feet; see that it is I myself. Touch me and see; for a ghost does not have flesh and bones as you see that I have." And when he had said this, he showed them his hands and his feet.
Oh...
I had forgotten the beauty of my wounds...even though they flare up from time to time...
Sometimes the pain of somebody else cries to my own wounded heart, and as I weep with them I suffer (again) my own losses. Sometimes the darkness of doubt or insecurity rattles my mind and in my agitation I am whisked back to the central nerve of a darker time when my choices were not, perhaps, the best.
Christ is there....
I wonder...
If those places are still pierced from time to time, perhaps there is something more to be seen...some way that Christ's abiding love and compassion are inviting me to look and see sprouts of new healing.
In the pain that I thought would never reappear I have experienced the presence of different possibilities...ways to look at relationships and the human condition (including mine)through a different lens. I am reminded that old wounds cry out to be touched from time to time...and sometimes that cry is Christ's invitation to see his presence in places we have avoided.
To be sure...Christ is Risen! He continues to call forth new life. He continues to wipe away the tears of our suffering, including the suffering of previous days.
As I have written this, the sun has risen! Amen!
3 comments:
All weekend I have struggled with the sudden and tragic death of a colleague, friend and co-worker. Her woundedness and pain was not evident or at least was not perceived by many in her community. Their struggle -- our struggle -- having received the news of her death has been deep. This writing met me in the valley of that struggle today, just as I too have begun to emerge into the daybreak reality of the resurrection. Christ is risen. He is risen indeed!
Peace be with you, Sister in Christ.
The pain runs deep for those of us who are left to carry on with the proclamation of resurrection joy even as we are reminded again, and again, of the relentless reality of human suffering of all kinds. So we will hold each other in prayer before God, for in His peace we can and will sing out: Christ is risen. He is risen indeed!
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